Was given: games, dreams, magic(k), writing and comedy by Mei Mei.

Games:
Simply put they are my life, I know that sounds sad, but they are my career. I love everything about games, playing them, watching them, creating them, debating them, you name it I love it.
Games have always been a big part of my life be they, computer games, ball games, card games or usually drinking games, they are one of the things that makes life a little bit more fun.

Dreams:
My dreams are strange, when I remember them that is. I believe in dreams, I have always thought that they are part of our subconscious trying to tell us something in a roundabout way, which in itself worries me as I tend to die in almost all of my dreams, and not the type of dying where you wake up just as you die, but the type where I die and am floating over my dead body for a short time before waking up.

Magik:
Magik is a big part of my belief system, I am a spiritualist and as such I believe a lot in crystals and auras and the like, and to me there is a certain amount of magik to that. There are somethings that science can't explain and thats how I like the world, I prefer there to be things that just can't be explained.

There is also a certain type of romance and allure tied to magik, I think there is something enthralling about the unknown, and magik is everything that is unknown.

Writing:
I do like to write, when I was younger I would write numerous stories, most of them awful, but what I thought were good at the time. If I ever get the time I would like to restart the novel that I began years ago, now that I am a little older and i'd like to think a little wiser, it would be interesting to see how I would change things in the story, but overall I like being able to express my thoughts and ideas in a way that others might enjoy, and that ultimately brings me happiness.

Comedy:
I do love my comedy, Bill Bailey, Dara O'Briain, Ross Noble, Russell Howard, Stephen Lynch give me the opportunity to see any of them and I will jump at the chance, I feel that comedy should be a part of every-bodies life, it helps to soften the lows and increase the highs.

I would like to think that I am a funny person and that I have my comedic moments, however that isn't to say that I try overly hard to be funny, the times I do try usually fail abysmally, but that isn't for me to decide, that's for everyone else to decide.

I don't know anymore, I don't know whether what I do is right or not, whether I should carry on with my current choices in life or if I should change them or if I should just give up completely. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I weren't here anymore, whether people would even notice, and if they did, would they care.

I just don't know, I feel like I have failed at some unknown task I was given but never told about. As anyone who knows me will tell you, my friends are everything to me, but lately I just haven't had the patience or time for them, and I hate that. I hate not being there for them, but how can I be there for them when I have nothing to give, how can I help them when I can't help myself?

It just seems like everything I do, and everything I hope for just turns to crap, so in the end whats the point in me doing anything?

My hand is killing me, last night was a gaming night for me and some of my friends, however it all went a bit wrong while playing Beijing Olympics on the 360. We were doing the 800 metres, when I lost my button tapping rhythm, and decided to waggle the control stick instead, however I pressed a little too hard and ended up tearing a lot of skin off my left palm, it is very painful and looks like I have stigmata.

Well it's been a while, not much has been going on really, apart from finally being accepted onto my masters. Even then though things don't feel like they are getting any better.

I promised myself that I wouldn't screw it up this time but I already am. I've missed lectures and I haven't even started my assignments yet, plus I am currently going through a bout of depression, but I can't do anything about it or talk to anyone because everyone is so wrapped up in their own problems, It gets to me how everyone always expects me to be there to listen to their problems, but they are never there or willing to listen to mine. Don't get me wrong I would do anything for my friends up to and beyond the point of dying for them, but what they never seem to realise is that once they have offloaded their problems they may feel better but I am left with their emotional baggage that I can't shift. I am a strong person, I've had to be, but it gets to me and there is nothing that I can do about it. But thats besides the point, even if someone were to ask me how I was and take the time to talk to me, it wouldn't make a difference as I would have no answer for them.

I honestly don't know what I feel anymore, I should feel happy that I actually got on my masters, but all I feel is boredom, I should feel happy when I am with my friends but I don't feel anything, nothing at all, all I can think of is when I can be by myself again, because being on my own is easier, there are less people who depend on me and less people to disappoint.

It doesn't help either the fact that I can sense something coming, I don't know what or when it will happen and that worries me but I have the strongest feeling that something is coming and my gut tells me that it isn't going to be good.

A slightly long shift at work punctuated by mardy customers and a missed break set me up for a crappy evening, this was not the case though, as on my way home from work I received a call from Gooch asking about poker tonight. About an hour later me, Dan, Stu and Gooch were enjoying a fair few rounds of beer helped along by a few rounds of poker. The night finally ended at around a quarter to three (about half an hour ago). All in all this has been the best night I have had in a fair while, and its just nice to know that my friends are there to give me a lift even if they don't realise they are doing it.

As per usual for the fifth year in a row I have got freshers flu, although it has affected me a lot more then usual this year. I have been feeling depressed lately anyway and I think that has something to do with why the flu has hit me so much harder then before.

It all hit home today while I was at a fencing masterclass, after about three quarters of an hour warm up, I was feeling extremely weak. When I tried to eat a small bit of chocolate to get my sugar levels up, I was immediately sick, I managed to last for half the day before I just had to leave. Since then I have been closeted away in my room just trying to rest.

Hopefully I'll be over the flu in a few days, but I have no idea when I will be feeling right again.

I started work properly last week, my first job after graduating.... not working in the industry as I'd hoped no no, I get to work in PC World. I don't mind it too much as it brings in money, but I would have liked to have a proper job.

It just annoys me because every time I set foot in the shop I'm reminded that I'm no longer doing my masters and that I'm no longer a part of the fencing club, and that brings me low enough to ensure that I don't enjoy the work and that I just feel like a failure.

I am getting so tired of the childish games being played by a few of my friends right now, why they can't just act like adults and talk the problems they have with people through with the people I'll never know. What I do know is that the childish moaning and sniping is starting to seriously piss me off, I have kept my mouth shut so far but its not going to be long before I tell them all to grow up and act their ages, but in a less then diplomatic way.

It annoys me to see people who were good friends a year ago being so snide and bitchy behind each others backs.

I finally received the results of my portfolio resubmission yesterday, apparently the resubmit I gave in had absolutely no affect on the mark, and it took them all summer to tell me that. I am pissed off enough as it is already without this on top, I don't need this sort of crap right now, it's been hard enough lately trying to find a job, sort out my finances, get everything sorted for the new year of fencing and prepare for the new uni year, but now i find out that everything I have been doing has been pointless.

Because of my failure I can no longer do my masters, it also means that I can no longer carry on as vice president of the fencing club or be a member of the fencing team. It's bad enough to think that I am so shit at my chosen industry that I can't even get it right the second time, even when I have been told what to do, but now I have to let the club down by stepping down as vice president and making the club lose a team member.

I just can't be bothered at the moment, I'm just waiting for the next pile of shit to come my way.

Stupid low door-frame in pub results in me with big bump on my noggin and no sleep since Monday night, that annoys me as I cherish the small amount of sleep I do get. The only upside being that I have an almost full pack of Ibuprofen, courtesy of Mei Mei, that I can use to alleviate the headaches.

Because Mei Mei got me!

1. Have my name in a major computer game's credits
2. Get into Britain's top ten in Epee
3. Travel the world
4. Pay off my parents debts
5. Go to loads more festivals
6. Actually learn to play my guitar, and learn violin, saxophone and piano
7. Do something to be remembered for
8. (Not exactly a do before I die thing, more of a do while I'm alive thing) Look after my friends

Stole this off Mei Mei coz I was bored

The phrase "Curiosity killed the cat" is a very apt saying. Last night because of my curiosity I went against my own advice, I tried to put a spirit to rest and it nearly killed me.

About a week ago, while waiting for Mei Mei outside university, I sensed something in the field that lies opposite the campus, it was subtle at first, flashes of something in the corner of my eye and noises that had no explainable source, but all the time I could feel something crawling in my head.

It took me a while to realise that it was a spirit, but it wasn't like any spirit I had ever encountered before. I have lived with the murmurs of spirits my whole life, hearing their whisperings in the wind. Usually when a spirit needs something it will ask, but this spirit had no desire to communicate, it wanted one thing and one thing only, freedom.


The fact that the spirit was bound to that place was enough to put me on the defensive, binding a spirit is not an easy feat and is not a task undertaken lightly. As soon as I realised this I immediately protected myself, however because I was waiting for Mei Mei I kept a bit of energy in reserve to use as a shield for her, as she is not quite as psychically resilient as I am. I had felt the spirit crawling in my head and I had no desire for Mei Mei to endure that sensation.

Unfortunately the spirit found a way through my protection and had been plaguing my thoughts for days, so I decided to do what I could to put the spirit to rest. This was going against my own advice that I gave to Mei Mei to stay away from the field.

So I went back last night to do what I could, I said prayers to Gaia and to Mother Moon, I performed a release ritual, but the spirit was a lot angrier then I realised. It took almost all of my energy to maintain my protection, and as much as I never wanted to do it, I had to perform a banishment.

I used every ounce of energy in my body, I called on my own spirit guide and animal companions to help me, it took everything I had and then some. I passed out, I'm not sure for how long but when I came around I was too disorientated and drained to sense anything, so I left and somehow made my way home.

I wish that I could have helped the spirit find peace I really do, but it didn't want help, I honestly think that it was beyond help. I just hope that the banishment worked otherwise I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Now I have to sleep, I really have to sleep.

Well, after seven months of pain in my finger I finally had my surgery appointment today, I was up at 6am to make sure I was ready to get the 6.45 National Express to Cannock, why did I get the bus you ask? well my house-mate P left me in the lurch yet again so I had to do last minute checking to find out bus/train times and fares, then found out that the earliest bus or train left Stafford after I was already supposed to be at Cannock, so I had to get the National Express.

Anyway I get to Cannock early, check into the hospital then take up the usual english past-time of waiting. About an hour later I finally get to see the nurse who takes my blood pressure and asks a few standard questions, then its time to change into a hospital gown (why I need to wear a hospital gown for an outpatient procedure I don't know but anyway), more waiting then finally I get to see the surgeon who checks my hand then states that he cant feel the inflammation anymore so he isn't going to do the surgery.

So I get changed, leave the hospital and call P to get him to come and pick me up. The problem is he has only just woken up so is still in Manchester so he will take at least an hour probably longer to get here, so I wait for a while, then about three quarters of an hour later I get a text saying he is stuck in traffic and will be about another hour or longer. By this point I am not in the best mood, I decided not to bother waiting and had to spend money I don't have to get the bus back to Stafford.

So all in all I am extremely pissed off.

Dreamy Idealist

Saw this on Mei Mei's journal and thought i'd give it a go.

These things are scarily accurate.

Well, it has been a while since I posted anything on here, but I haven't really had anything to post about until now.

This last week has been a good one, I finally decided to put my fears aside and made a decision that hopefully was the right one, but we will have to see about that.

I also went to America (more precisely, Philadelphia) for my brothers wedding, it was a great week, the only down points being that we didn't have our own car so had to rely on other people or taxi's, and that I had to wear a tux. but apart from that it was great.

We went to Long Beach Island, and I had a swim in the other side of the Atlantic (I love swimming in the sea much more then in a pool). We also went into Philly and saw some of the sites, such as the Philadelphia museum of art (used in the rocky film where he runs up the steps) the Liberty bell, Penns landing and South street. But in reality most of the holiday was spent drinking, which I am not complaining about in the slightest!

Oh and I also have a noticeably more sunburned right arm then left arm due to being in the car a lot.

Well I haven't posted on here for a while, but that's because not a lot has happened. The only thing of note has been Sports presentation evening, where we swept the board on the amount of nominations we received and took home a fair few as well, the most important of which was definitely the Club of the year award, which is the highest award that any club can receive. I definitely think we deserve that award this year as the efforts made by everyone have been outstanding, it just remains now to continue the excellent work we have done this year and keep it going for the next year so we can retain the award.

As vice president this year I have an obviously vested interest in our continued success and after the last year where I wasn't really able to offer anything to the club, I really want to give the club my all.

This week hasn't been a good one for me, I've been depressed because of living away from my friends and constantly being alone, I've been worrying about my mum because she has a very emotionally trying time coming up soon. I've also been worrying about my hand because it looks like I'm going to need surgery on it, I've been stressing about my course work as I cant seem to make a dent in it, and I've been really worrying about my financial situation, as I have just applied to do my masters but straight away realised that I cant afford it at the moment. And just to top it all off there is one other big problem that I'm trying to deal with but unfortunately there is nothing i can do about that one.

So all in all a pretty crap week, I was actually considering not going to fencing on Thursday but something made me go and I'm glad I did. It started out badly however when one of my friends from back home called me to tell me that one of my friends had been killed in a hit and run, that was bad enough but when they asked me when I was coming home for the funeral and I told them that I couldn't make it because of money and time constraints, their mood turned instantly and I ended up just having to hang up as I couldn't deal with the abuse, about fifteen minutes after the first call I got another one from another friend who's only reason to call me was to shout abuse at me because of my not going down. So the evening didn't start well at all, but once I got into fencing things got better, an unexpected request for a duel from Tegan helped me to forget about my problems even if only for a little while, then an unexpected sounding board in the form of Imogen helped me to unburden myself a little, as up until now no-one really knew half of what was going through my mind. You two really don't know how much you helped me on Thursday, I can't thank you enough for what you did, It meant the world to me.

Nothing good has really happened to me recently, with the exception of being elected vice president of the fencing club, but even that isn't much as the only time I'll really need to do anything is if mike is unavailable. I'm still slightly down due to being alone for so much of the time, and I can't really see that changing in the near future.

I have finally applied for a place on the masters course, and then immediately realised that I currently have no way of financing myself for it, but the way things are going at the moment that probably won't matter anyway as I still cant seem to make a dent in my FYP, so I'll probably end up failing my degree anyway.


I hate being this negative all the time, as it doesn't serve to help me sort things out but I really don't know what to do about it.

I always underestimate how much the anniversary of Bob's death will affect me, usually I can deal with it by myself because I have people around me who I can talk to if I need to, but this year I have been on my own and because of that it has hit me that much harder. So much so in fact that I reverted back to smoking to help me get through it.

I hate having to rely on cigarettes to give me the distraction I need to take my mind off things, I much preferred it when I had people around me to talk to.